40 Days: Day 18

Day 18: Self-Compassion

Welcome to 40 Days of Mindfulness and Compassion Day 18!

Lecture

Today, we continue to work on self-compassion. As indicated yesterday, self-compassion is an important concept, one that gaining increasing attention and popularity. This popularity, at least partly, is because it is addressing an important modern need. Some say that our threat systems have turned inwards. Too often we react to our own inner experiences as threats, and develop a type of self-hostility. Self-compassion is an important antidote to this. Here are some tips for working with self-compassion practices:

Something May be Shifting Under The Surface. This is true for all self-compassion practices, but particularly for self-compassion practices. Even when it feels like nothing is happening, there may be something shifting “under the surface.” Sharon Salzberg tells a story in which she recounts her experience with self-compassion. She did a self-compassion practice very consistently over a month or so, maybe longer, and did not feel that anything was happening. Then, she committed a “clumsy” act, something she describes herself as prone to do. I believe that she dropped something and broke it in a public situation. At first herself-critical voice popped up and said something like “Sharon, you are so clumsy. Why do you always do this?” But then this voice kind of dissipated, and she laughed and approached the situation, in regards to herself, with humor and gentleness. This mirrors my experience with these practices generally, and this practice specifically. When I first encountered self-compassion practices, I had a lot of resistance and avoidance to the concept of self-compassion. When I first started doing the practice, I felt like the “Stuart Smalley” character on Saturday Night Live, and still often feel that nothing is happening or that I am faking it. Yet, it is one of my cherished practices. It is rare that I have a strong experience during this practice, but I notice the effects in my everyday life (e.g. humor in terms of introversion/anxiety; gentleness and much less self-criticism). And following Sharon, I believe that consistency is the key. To that end, short daily practices can be very effective.

Self-Compassion is an Avenue of Self-Understanding. Self-acceptance is an important aspect of self-compassion. Part of self-compassion is accepting who we are and what our unique situation is. Kristen Neff identifies three components of self-compassion: 1) mindfulness (of our own suffering), 2) common humanity, and 3) self-kindness. To me, it is important to really be able to sit with this first step. On one level, compassion seems to me to be the ability to be with difficulty, or what is unwanted, in a sustained and caring way. Our habitual responses to suffering seem to be to turn away from it or to be overwhelmed by it. This is a middle approach, and takes courage and spaciousness. We create the courage and space to sit there with what is there in our own lives in a spirit of self-kindness, not self-criticism. As we do, we may notice layers of our difficulties that we were unaware of. A key idea is that what is going on “On the surface” is not really what is going on. As we sit with our own difficulties, layers may emerge, at the bottom of which may be a “core emotional response.”

Self-Compassion is the Bridge to Compassion (and vice versa!). Self-Compassion and Compassion for others reinforce one other, nurture one another, and feed off of one another. Self-Compassion, approached from this perspective, is not self-indulgent but actually connects us to others. We do not sit with our suffering, our difficulty, for long. We scratch the surface time and time again, and then recontextualize our own unique situation in the spirit of common humanity. We see our suffering as a common human experience. This does two things. It creates the conditions for further developing empathy and compassion for others. And, it re-contextualizes our own difficulties. Rather than feeling constricted by our own difficulties and storylines, there may be a little more spaciousness and gentleness there. And, in my experiences, these two reinforce one another. So, self-compassion is the furthest thing from selfishness or self-indulgence.

Compassion and Self-Compassion are not What We Think They Are. My own understanding of compassion has evolved for some time and continues to evolve, sometimes daily. I sometimes try to get this across by saying “Compassion is not a feeling.” Compassion is often conceptualized as one distinct feeling among many, akin maybe to pity or sympathy. To me, this misses the boat. I like to explore this in terms of the phenomenology of compassion. What does it feel like? Earlier, I suggested not expecting anything particular from the practices. This is true. Yet, sometimes something might shift. Something might “open up.” An insight might occur. What are these like? From the first-person perspective, what are the experiences? This could be in terms of thoughts, emotions, storylines, or physiological responses. I think that tapping into the physiological responses can be quite helpful. For instance, sometimes experiences of spaciousness, warmth, groundedness etc. are reported. This is not to say that you should expect these things. But if something arises that feels “on the mark,” sit with it and explore it. In the context of self-compassion, for instance, these markers can be an important indication of when I am on the right track or not. In relation to myself, right now, is my experience open, warm and spacious, or is it constricted and self-critical. At the very least, maybe I can “soften the edges a bit.”

Meditation Tips

Meditation Tip #19: Approach mediation as an act of self-compassion. No matter the type of meditation practice, it can be helpful to approach it with the mind and attitude of self-compassion. At the beginning, you might pause an ask yourself: what attitude am I bringing with me to this practice? Am I being soft and gentle with myself?

Meditation Day 18: Self-Compassion (15 Minutes)

Self-Reflective Activity

Self-Compassion Letter Exercise

Write a letter to yourself, in the third person, from the perspective of your “best self.” Write to yourself, as you would to a good friend or loved one who is experiencing a time of difficulty. Start the letter “Dear your name.” Write the letter in three parts.

1) Bring mindful awareness to your life and explore and area of difficulty or suffering. Breathe into this and explore the layers of the situation, and gain insight. In the first part of the letter display understanding of the situation by simply describing the situation as it is and how it is difficult.
2) Reframe the situation from the perspective of “common humanity.” Acknowledge the suffering but reframe it as a human problem. This is an important step that is included in today’s meditation practice as well.
3) Offer yourself mentorship, kindness and guidance.

You might consider to read aloud to yourself! This, I think, is very important. It can also be very interesting to mail it to yourself and open it and read it.