Day 6: Mindfulness and Kindness

 Welcome to 40 Days of Mindfulness and Compassion Day 6!

 

Lecture

 Kindness is a basic expression of our best nature. Do a quick thought experiment. Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths and remember a time when you were kind to another. Feel into the experience and see what it is like in your body and mind as you remember this experience. Now do the same for a time when you were the recipient of kindness.

As indicated previously, there is no “correct” response to any contemplative exercise, but more often than not a short exercise like this can open us up quite quickly to our innate caring capacity. We are social beings and are hardwired to care for others. We have many other needs and impulses, but it is undeniable that we have an innate need to care for and connect with others.

So kindness, on a profound level, is an expression of who we really are. But what exactly is kindness? And why does it matter? We use the term kindness in many ways, but the type of kindness that I am suggesting here is one that is pure and unconditional. The Sanskrit word for this type of kindness is maitri, and it is metta in Pali, the languages of classical Buddhism.

Maitri/Metta are usually translated as “lovingkindness.” It is basically kindness that is unconditional and heartfelt. It is often defined as “the wish for the other to be happy and to have the causes of happiness,”  but to me, this definition does not fully capture its qualities. This type of kindness is the heartfelt desire for the well-being of another (or oneself). It is wishing the best for another in the deepest sense, and so, it has a lot of depth and wisdom contained in it.

It is one of the “Four Boundless States” of Buddhism. In the Buddhist model, these are basically the ultimate psychological/emotional states that we should aspire to (in terms of relationships with others).  One of my teachers calls them the “four flavors of love.” Kindness is basically the flavor of love that wants the best for someone. It is unconditional and has no strings attached. As such, it is very precious. Our kindness is often selective and/or has strings attached. When I am honest with myself I can recognize how rarely I demonstrate true kindness. But, I have experienced being the recipient of true kindness and believe very strongly that it is real and that it can be trained.

Contemplative kindness practices can be quite transformative, and I hope that you will explore them here. These practices are sometimes called heart practices, and I would like to offer a few reflections working with them.

One reflection is that you probably will experience some resistance when working with heart practices. This is a theme that I will come back to many times. Resistance is part of the process. As we work with practices that are asking us to tap into compassion and kindness and the like we are in some important ways going against the grain of so much of what we have been implicitly and explicitly taught. As such, it is expected that we meet internal resistance. This can take the form of doubts, criticisms, rejection, avoidance or numerous other forms.

It is important to understand these as part of the process. Indeed, on one level, being with these resistances with an open and curious mind and heart is the process. Just being with what comes up with an open and non-judgmental attitude is extremely important. And, it is a basic extension of what we learn in mindfulness practice. The instructions there are be with the breath, notice when distracted, and then gently come back. And again here, the instructions are to be with the practice, notice when distracted (or experiencing resistance) and then come back to the practice.

A second reflection on the heart practices is that they will sometimes employ some use of phrases during the practices. For instance, we might recite during the practice “may you be happy” for our self or another as an expression of our kindness. The advice here is just as with other practices: just do the practice, and be open and don’t self-evaluate. I remember when I first encountered self-lovingkindess practices; I had great aversion to reciting, “May I be Happy” and like phrases. And so, I focused more on heart practices directed toward others, but avoided practices directed toward myself. And, when I finally dove into these practices in earnest, they felt very dry to me. It did not feel like anything was happening. But after a while, I noticed results in my “normal” life. So, something had been shifting under the surface, which goes back to the effects/results that was presented a few days earlier.

Here is also a video talk I did on the “Basics of Meditation” a while back.

Gitchel Basics of Meditation Video

 

So lets jump into kindness, a true reflection of our innate caring nature!

 

Meditation Tips

 Meditation Tip #8: When cultivating something in meditation practice, what emerges is often not what it is that we are trying to cultivate. For instance, when trying to cultivate mindfulness what I might become aware of is how unmindful I am! When trying to cultivate compassion, I might become aware of the countless ways that I am not compassionate! These are not problems. They are actually indications that the practices are working. Can I just be with what is there is an open and nonjudgmental way?

 

 Meditation

 Mindfulness and Kindness for Self and Other

 

 Self-Reflective Activity

 Try and stop during your daily activities, or shortly after waking up in the morning, for a short (1-2 minute pause). You might even set up a reminder for you to do this.  Take some mindful breaths and allow yourself to become grounded. Ask yourself, “In my heart of hearts, what do I really want in my life?” Just sit with question and see what comes up. Gradually and gently re-emerge into your daily activities.

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